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[This is a transcript of the second sermon in a series of sermons given by
Pastor David T. Moore, the series being titled "Love For A Lifetime." 
This 8 set cassette series is available on-line for $38.95 at:
http://www.mooreonlife.com and is worth every penny spent. 
These two transcripts have been provided to show you
a little of what you'll get in this valuable cassette series.] 


"He Said, She Said…"

Today we look at the second problem found in marriage, and that is communication.  Ladies Home Journal surveyed 30,000 of their readers and asked them to rank the problems that they face in their marriages.  The # 1 problem was money and money associated problems.  But #2 was poor communication.  It seems that all across this country, although we are probably the most over-communicated society in history, we certainly don't have any better understanding of one another in interpersonal communication, than they did 100 years ago.  And sometimes when you live with someone for many many years, your husband or your wife, rather than communication growing better and better and better, you give up trying and you just grow silent and become roommates.  And I don't think that's what God intended.  That's not the oneness that he talked about. 

          There was an elderly couple out in the country sitting on their front porch rocking in that chair and listening to the serenade of the crickets.  You know, out in the country, the crickets can be really very very loud.  And so they were there rocking with the sound of the crickets.  There was one other sound, though.  Just down the road was a little country church.  The choir was practicing for Sunday.  And so the choir was singing accompanied by the crickets, and the husband was listening to the crickets and the wife was obviously listening to the choir.  And so when the choir finally came to a conclusion with a rip roaring finish, the woman just sat back, captivated by that singing.  She said, "Isn't that a beautiful sound?!"  "Sure is, Dear, and I understand they do that by rubbing their legs together."  Even after dozens of years of marriage, those two just missed one another!--coming from entirely different perspectives.  And that often happens.  Communication can be a real problem.  Sometimes there is no evidence whatsoever that the brain is connected to the tongue.  Have you ever noticed that?  Have you ever said something you haven't thought of yet?  We all do, say things that we just didn't think through.  I was walking through the rough, playing golf about a year ago, of course, looking for the golf ball which is what I do most of the time when I'm playing golf.  A guy pulled up on his cart, one of the four-somes that was with us, and says, "What's the matter?  Lose your ball?"   "Ah, no, I'm lookin' for snakes."  What else I'm I going to be walking around out there for?  It's amazing what comes out of our mouths that we just didn't think through how they were going to be said.  And then we get our words mixed up and we say things that we really didn't mean, like the golf announcer who was announcing about what was going on with the golf.  He said, "Arnie Palmer is getting ready to putt.  Arnie, a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putt, however he has no trouble dropping his shorts."  Now, I don't think that's what the guy meant to say, but you see, language is a real problem.  And it can complicate things.  And we say things we really haven't thought of yet [or about yet]. 

          Not long ago I came across a list of statements that had been turned into social services.  Somebody had extracted these from the letters and requests for financial help and so forth.  I got a kick out of them.  They illustrate the problematic nature of communication so well.  One lady wrote, she said, "I want my money as quickly as I can get it.  I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good.  If things don't improve I'll have to send for another doctor."  Another lady wrote, "In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."  Somebody else said, "Why do you say I appear to be oblivious when the form clearly says I'm a Baptist?"  Another wrote trying to help Mrs. Jones, said, "Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year, and as a result is being visited regularly by members of the clergy."  And this one's pretty racy.  It says, "I am very much annoyed that you have illiterate.  It's a dirty lie, I was married a week before he was born."

Language is a real problem.  It is difficult to communicate with one another.  It's difficult to say what you mean.  Now it’s further complicated because listening is such a problem.  U.C.L.A.'s Communication Department studied people's listening skills and came to this conclusion.  You only hear half of what's said.  You only understand half of that.  You only believe half of that.  That's 6.2 percent!  Is it any wonder that we have problems in our relationships?  We're only catching 6.2 percent anyway.  And if the person said something that [he or she] hasn't thought [about], you're catching 6.2 percent of something they haven't thought of before they said it--it’s just like you miss, pass one another.  U.S.A. Today surveyed its' readers about the important things in relationships, and this is what U.S.A. Today said: "At least 85 percent of our respondents said the most important quality to keep this thing going is communication--the ability of two people to talk to each other on a real gut level."  Researcher Terry Schultz said this, "Although many women chose their partners based upon sex appeal, research shows, if they had it to do again, they said the ability to communicate is much more important.  Communication ranked higher than physical attraction, physical appearance, and even personality.  That ought to say something to us, guys.  The # 1 trait that she is looking for in your relationship is somebody who knows how to communicate with her.  Now this isn't really news because king Solomon said the very same thing in the Book of Proverbs, chapter 18, verse 21.  You'll see that Solomon in his wisdom really nailed this one.  He said, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat of its fruit."  The tongue has the power of life and death.  I want you to know this morning that the quality of your relationship is conditional upon your ability to communicate.  And I want you to know that life or death in your relationships and in your love is riding upon your ability to communicate.  And when Solomon said here that those who love it will eat its fruit, what he is saying is those who appreciate the priceless value of our words and our ability to communicate will devour the good things resulting from good communication or the sour fruit of a dying relationship.  And it is all riding upon our ability to communicate.  So what we're going to be doing this morning and next week, I divided this message in half so that we won't be here all day, so we'll go through half of this, this morning and half of this next week.  What I would like for us to do, I would like to see how it is and was that God communicated with us.  Because, no doubt, he's the finest communicator of all time.  And if somehow we can extract some of the principles of communication from him and his style, then perhaps we can add new life to our love relationships too.

So the first thing to notice is Hebrews 1, verse 1.  Take a look at it.  It says, "In the past God spoke to our forefathers, through the prophets at many times, and in various ways."  What we are being told there is that when God wanted to communicate with humanity he spoke.  He spoke many times, and in many different ways.  I know it's pretty foundational to communication, but the thing to write down here, is "Say it."  You see, we have to be people who are willing to say something.  Now, the problem in our relationships is that there is so much silence.  We don't pattern our friendships and relationships after God who spoke in many and various ways.  He started out by speaking in creation.  You may remember the book of Psalms.  It says, "the heavens are telling the glory of God, day to day they poureth forth speech."  It's difficult to go into the mountains and see the trees and see the balance of nature, and the flying of the eagle, and all of that, and really believe it's all some gigantic explosion accident that caused all of that incredible detail to come together.  See, God wanted to communicate first of all through creation, but men didn't get it, women didn't get it.  Instead of worshipping the creator we worshipped the creation.  Ancient people did that, they worshipped the sun, the moon, the stars, animals.  They worshipped all the wrong stuff.  And of course, then we matured and we grew, and people began to worship the Creator, and of course now we're in digression and once again we're worshipping creation, rather than the Creator--it's all out of balance again.  And so when God couldn't really connect with us through creation, he then spoke directly.  He spoke to Adam and to Eve and to Noah and Abraham and Lot and Jacob and Moses and Joshua and Samuel and David and everybody else, it says in the Old Testament.  And then he spoke through his Son, and today he speaks through his Spirit in your heart.  And he speaks through this book, the Bible.  The point is this:  God spoke.  And we have to follow that pattern.  We've got to eliminate the silence in our relationships.  It's so common.  When I used to do marital counseling, the one thing I heard most often from the lady in the counseling situation was "He won't talk to me."  And the # one response of the man was, "She doesn't listen anyway!"  And so here are two people with their arms crossed, digging in their heels, saying, "I'm not gonna talk!"  If you're in that kind of relationship this morning you've got to know that love is gonna die, if it isn't already dead.  Because life and death are in the power of the tongue. Dr. Mark Lee said, "Studies in eleven countries show that the happiest couples are those that talk to each other the most."  You can rank your level of happiness and your lifetime love by how much time you spend talking together.  Do you remember what it was like when you first started courting that lady, gentlemen?  Do you remember that?  Remember how you could call her on the phone and talk for hours--well, at least listen for hours?  But then something happens, and when you get married that all changes.  I think, you knew you had to communicate in order to win her heart, and once you say I do, you think "I'm done."  And you're not, that's only the beginning of a lifetime of love and communication.  Do you know that the average couple today, spends 37 minutes a week in meaningful private communication?  And that number of minutes slides downward with the number of years of marriage.  How tragic that is, because 37 minutes is not enough.

And, more importantly, 6.2 percent of 37 minutes isn't very much.  Now one begins to try to play games with one another and try to read one another's mind.  I am convinced it is absolutely impossible for the husband to read a wife's mind, even though you think you can.  And it is impossible for her to read your mind, even though she thinks she can, because we come from such different worlds with such different filters that it is absolutely impossible--which means we make assumptions, which means we make mistakes, which means we begin to build our relationships upon assumptions and mistakes and it’s no wonder then that love dies.  We must communicate.  Without it, we complicate our marriages.  We complicate our family relationships.

One of my favorite stories about a lack of communication is the story of a gal named Aunt Emma, who came to live with a couple.  She was really an awful gal.  She was a nagging, complaining, demanding kind of person, always had to have her way.  You know that kind.  And she lived with this couple for six years, nearly drove them insane.  Finally she died.  They didn't know whether they should throw a party or have a funeral.   [Reminds me about that movie with Chevy Chase in it and they had an Aunt Edna, a direct match to this Aunt Emma!]  I mean, they're just glad she's gone.  And so on the way home from the cemetery as they were driving in the car there was a big sigh of relief from the husband, as he turned to his wife and he said, "You know honey, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with your Aunt Emma."  And there was this look of shock and horror on her face as she said, "MY AUNT EMMA?!?  I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR AUNT EMMA!!!"  You see, men and women, we complicate our lives by failing to communicate!

        Now, I don't believe that we start out intending to be silent.  I think what happens is that we simply tire out of trying to communicate with that other person who is so very different than we are.  And men and women are VERY different in the ways that they communicate.  In fact, we're almost from different worlds in terms of the way we communicate.  So I think what happens is that we miss one another and give up trying and so we become silent.  And so what I want to do this morning, I want to show you the differences between how men and women communicate.  I'm gonna just paint some broad strokes of generalities.  There will be varying degrees of application to your life and to your relationship.  If you're a woman who's living in the corporate world, you may have taken on a little bit more of the male types, but they're not coming natural, it's something that you've added.  And if you're a man who's taken on a little bit more of the female traits because of being sensitive and so forth, that happens with time, and that's a good thing.  I think we need each other and God brings us together to balance each other out.  But generally, these are the differences, and this is why we have so much trouble, and why we give up. 


1.       Let's start with the very young, little boys and girls.  Little girls are verbally oriented.  I mean, they have far greater skills verbally than little boys.  They're very articulate.  They have the ability to say things, and to communicate that little boys just don't have.  When little boys and little girls get into arguments, little girls always win because they have better verbal skills, which is why the little boy turns to the fist, because he's usually bigger--and so the war of the sexes begins right there with little boys and little girls.  Little girls are verbal oriented, little boys are noise oriented.  There's a big difference.  We've seen this in our children.  We have two girls and one boy in our family, and we used to go upstairs, and stand in the hallway and listen-in on the noises that were coming out of our little girls' room.  It was really amazing, you know, researchers hid microphones in children's rooms, and recorded all their noises during the day and began to catalogue them.  And they found that little girls, 100 percent of little girls noises are verbal noises, words.  And we found that to be true.  As we'd listen-in, inside perhaps Lindsey's alone, and she has all of her Barbie dolls out and she'd be talking.  "Hi, Barbie--How you doing?  What do ya want to do today? Well I don't know--Yackety Yak, Yak etc.---and on and on and on, she could carry on a conversation with herself for hours.

          And then you go down the hallway and listen-in on our little boys' room.  It's very different--noises.  The same microphones and the same researchers found that forty percent of boy's noises are verbal and sixty percent are simply noise!  Things like RRRGGG!  VRRROOOM!  [you know, you've heard them all.  Truck noises, machine gun noises, jet plane noises, rockets and bombs flying and going off, construction machinery noises, the list is endless.]  All these noises, little boys just have a wonderful time just making noises with their mouths, you see.  And as we'd stand outside of Tyson's door, you know, maybe he's playing with some of those little action figures, and he'd be doing his little kungfu thing, with all the noises coming out and the only time you'd ever hear words would be something like [Arnold Scharzneggar's] "I'll be back!"  That was it, because little girls are verbally oriented and little boys are noise oriented.

          Now watch.  That doesn't change much as we grow up.  That's why, ladies, when he comes home at the end of the day and you say, "How was your day?"  He says "Fine" [almost like a grunt], "fine."  Men still make forty percent more noise than women.  And that's why men like to golf so much.  Because at golf, you're supposed to be quiet when anybody's swinging the club--which is all the time!  And I get the biggest kick out of men talking about "Yeah, we're goin' to play a little golf, Yeah a little male bonding, I'm gonna do some business on the golf course, close a deal, and all that."  I've been out on that golf course.  Nobody talks.  They don't.  In fact, the only thing they do, they grunt when they swing, "Ugghh!"  And then sometimes you'll hear "Aughh" and somebody will say, "Nice shot."  "Thank you."  Or, "I think you'll be O.K." or, "That'll play."  "Thank you."  And that's it.  And these men think they've communicated.  And they come home thinking "Oh yeah, had a great time on the golf course, just me and the men, you know."  When they haven't said anything except three or four words after each "Nice putt---Thank you."  Done!  Now I've never played golf with women, it might be different.  Gal's, is it different?  Yeah I'm sure it is.  So you see, in our communication we miss, because the women are more verbal and the men make noises. 


2.      And then there's a second problem that complicates it even further.  Little girls are people oriented.  If you hand a little girl a piece of paper and say, "Draw a picture."  She'll draw a picture of her Mommy or she'll draw a picture of people, or faces or something, or if it's a landscape, the focal point will still be people.  You hand a piece of paper to a little boy and say, "Draw me a picture."  And he'll draw a picture of things, because little girls are people oriented and little boys are thing oriented.  Little boys will draw cars and tanks and boats and planes and all this kind of stuff, and if there are people, they're only incidental to the scene, because you've got to have somebody drive the truck.  You know, that's all, because it's stuff!  And you see, as we grow older that doesn't change either, because men are still thing oriented, aren't they ladies?  Sure they are.  You've heard the old saying, and it's absolutely true, the only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.  You've got it.  That's right.  And you women get such a bum rap about being such impulsive spenders, because you're impulsive when you go buy a new purse.  And yet it's not uncommon at all for him to come home with a new airplane or boat.  "Here, come on, see the new yacht I just bought.  It's parked out on the front yard."  That's because men are influenced, and thinking about and focussed upon things.  So that complicates our relationships because women are verbally oriented, men are noise oriented, women are people oriented and men are thing oriented--


3.--and then it's complicated even further by that fact that women have more words to use every day than men do.  Women speak on an average, 15,000 words a day.  Men on an average speak 9,000 words a day.  That means if you've both been at work, and you come home--she still has 6,000 words to go!  And these words must be used!  [Laughter]  Some theologians say that God created Adam first so he'd get a chance to speak.  Can you believe that?  One guy said, "My wife always gets in the last word."  The other guy said, "You're lucky, mine never gets to it."  And that's simply because women have more words to speak than men do.  It's perfectly natural, so just enjoy it.


4.  And then it's complicated even further by the fact that men are bottom-line oriented, whereas women are detail oriented.  When women speak they tend to expand on a topic.  When men speak they tend to focus and narrow down the topic.  So again you have people that are very very different.  That's why she can talk on the phone for an hour.  And that's why men, when you get on the phone, your conversations last, what?--30 seconds?  "Yup, see ya tomorrow.  Thanks.  By."  Hang up.  The toughest question Sonya ever asks me is when I come home and she says, "What did you do today?"  "Aaahh"  you know, I'm good for the last 12 minutes.  I can remember what I did for the last 12 minutes, and beyond that, it's like ancient history.  And she'll say, "What did you do today?"  And I struggle.  "It's a tough question, I honestly don't remember.  Let me get my day-timer and I'll figure out what I did today."  That's why I do a whole lot better when she asks me a simpler question, which is, "How was your day?"  See I like that, because I can give a one-word answer, "Fine." "Lousy."  But it's a real simple thing.  Now, on the other hand, if you gentlemen ask her, "What did you do today?"  Pull up a chair, because she's detail oriented and I'm telling you, you're going to get a blow by blow description.  It's amazing, one day I asked Sonya and our girls who'd come home from shopping, "Hey, where'd you go and what did you do?"  Can you imagine three women, each with 15,000 words to expend?!   What it was like as this trio of women begin to explain, "Oh we went here, and we went here, and you should have seen..." and I am drowning in these words, and I'm only thinking, bottom line.  The bottom line, men, is "How much did you spend?"  Because women are detail oriented and men are bottom line oriented.  I want to read you a little letter that my son got from his pen pal.  This really illustrates this well.  The pen pal's this little gal, lives here in the desert some place.  I think they go to our church now.  But she wrote to Tyson, "Dear Tyson, How are you?  Are you new to Palm Desert or have you lived in Palm Desert for a long time?  I moved here two years ago.  I am 9 years old and four feet tall.  I am small for a fourth grader.  My Dad works for ABC, that stands for Alcoholic Beverage Control.  Where does your Dad work?  My Dad's name is David.  What is your Dad's name?  My Mom works at Indio Middle School, where does you Mom work?  My Mom's name is Peggy.  What is your Mom's name?  I have one sister.  She can be a pain in the neck sometimes.  Do you have a sister or brother?  My sister's in the sixth grade.  Her name is Christina.  If you have a sister or brother, what are their names?  I have two pets.  There's my cat Marmalade.  She is a nice cat.  Then there is my Buddy.  He is a bird.  He is a parakeet.  My hobby in school is art. What are your hobbies?  My favorite sport is soccer.  I love soccer.  It is fun.  What is your favorite sport?


Your pen pal,



And there is a P.S.  "Do you have any pets?"  I sat there with Tyson, who was 9 years old at the time, and we read through this.  And he looked at me with this bewildered look that said, "GEEEZ Dad!!!"  And his letter back was barely five sentences, you know.  But you see, that's because men are bottom line oriented and women are detail oriented.  So when you start to see the problems here, it becomes very obvious, doesn't it?--  verbal oriented verses noise, people oriented verses things, more words, less words, bottom line, detail.


5.      And even further complicating this is that men and women communicate for different reasons.  Let me show you how this works.  Men communicate to find solutions.  That is our primary motivation.  That is our primary motivation for speech--find a solution.  And that's why when she begins to share a problem, the first thing you do, gentlemen, is you think of a solution.  As you're listening to her share, you're trying to figure out how to fix this--how to take care of this.  And that frustrates her, because she's not looking for answers.  She only wants you to listen.  And I've been amazed in the past year since I've known this, that when Sonya begins to share her frustrations with me about, "Work is going this way," or "The radio ministry is doing this..." or "Our kids are doing this," and she begins to share her heart, I immediately go into my Mr. Fix-it mode, and I'm thinking "O.K., I've got to solve this problem."  I'm thinking solutions, she's thinking sharing.  You see, men communicate to find solutions, women communicate to share themselves.  Gentlemen, for them [communication] isn't just for sharing information, it is for sharing their soul.  And when she speaks she broadens her conversation.  She is sharing her heart with you.  She'll often include unrelated information.  It's amazing how she can jump from one subject to another that has nothing to do with each other.  And of course, this drives you crazy, doesn't it guys?  Because you're thinking, "What does this have to do with that?"  And since you're in your problem solving mode and since she's heaping on extra information that's unrelated, you find yourself weeding through all the stuff, trying to get back to the issue, because you're bottom line oriented, when she's detail oriented.  And men, if you begin to think that sharing of the details is a waste of time, it'll show on your face.  And what she's really doing is sharing her heart, and she'll feel like you don't care, or you don't love her.  That's why you've got to listen to all the details, she's sharing her heart and soul with you.  And what a privilege that is guys.  I mean, think about it, the woman you married, the woman you've committed your life to, has given you the privilege of looking into her spirit as she's speaking.  That's why we've got to stop thinking solutions, and start thinking, "I love this lady." 


6a.     You see, men, when talking, men tend to think before they speak.  Don't misunderstand me, I know men say stupid things off the top of their heads.  I saw some of you ladies go "WHAT?!!?"  Hold on.  Generally, when we communicate, by the time we say something, we have already thought through a lot of stuff, and we then give you a bottom line statement.  Men's motto is "Don't speak until you have something to say" which means, guys, if you don't talk much, you haven't thought much.  But that's a man's motto.  You see, men tend to sort through their thoughts until they get to the point they want to make, and then they--BOOM!--make their point.  Now this complicates relationships, because he will, out of nowhere, say, "Mildred, we're movin' to Idaho!"  And of course, Mildred is absolutely stunned!--because they haven't even talked about this.  But see, he's been coming to this conclusion, and he just drops that bombshell.  And generally, ladies, you should know that when a man drops that kind of bombshell, "I've decided to sell the house."  "We're going to be a missionary in Africa."  Just BOOM!--right off the top of his head, generally what he is doing is he is simply making a statement, a bottom line statement, and now he's inviting your feedback.  He wants to know how you feel.  What do you think?  Unless he's a very narrow minded nimwhit, that's what he's typically doing and so, the worst thing you can do, ladies, is to react--"WHAT!!???!!"  "WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?!?  WHAT ABOUT THE ----??!"  Because you're immediately thinking about what?--details. 


6b.    Women, on the other hand, when talking women tend to think out loud.  And this is very different, guys.  So here we're coming from two very different worlds.  You see, women tend to explain their thoughts and ideas while they are talking.  That's how they come to conclusions.  Just as you draw in to formulate an opinion, they draw out and communicate, to form an opinion.  That's why while they are talking, you ought not take too seriously what they are saying until they've had a chance to think through all of it.  You can save yourself a great deal of anxiety.  And that is why they can change subjects in the middle of a sentence.  See  guys, when you're thinking your brain goes PHUMP! PHUMP! PHUMP! --and you're thinking about all different kinds of things, right?  She's doing the same thing, it's just that she's articulating it out loud while she's going all over the place [in her mind].  If men don't speak until they have something to say, then women don't know what to say until they've spoken.  That's how it works.  If men don't speak until they have something to say, then women don't know what to speak until they've spoken.  There's a lot of truth to that.  And that's not bad.  And that's not a put-down.  That is the way she works.  And once again, gentlemen, what a privilege to have her share her heart and share her feelings, and share how she arrives at her bottom line so you don't have to guess.  God has done a marvelous thing with us as men and women, creating us very differently.  Enabling us to enjoy someone who is very different than we are.  To put a smile on our face when we say things that just don't come out quite right and to be able to laugh at our differences as men and women, and grow together.  It's a wonderful thing.  We must eliminate silence, and say it.  And the last thing, we'll close with this: Not only do we have to eliminate silence, but we have to eliminate noise in our relationships.  Noise, internal and external noise are the kinds of things that distract us from focussing our attention on that other person.  Sounds, like the television, gentlemen, when she comes to speak to you, turn off the T.V.  (You have the all-powerful remote control anyway.)  CLICK!  And focus your attention on her.  You're only going to get 6.2 percent anyway, so you had better turn off the T.V.  You better put down the newspaper, screaming kids in the background, sights that can be distractive.  Sonya and I dated at least once a week, and we used to go to breakfast every Friday morning, and we'd go to a place that had a Big Screen T.V.  And even though the sound wasn't on, we soon learned that we couldn't go there for breakfast, because the T.V. kept catching our attention--distracting things, external noise.  And [we must eliminate] internal noise, which is most important. Internal noise is an attitude, an attitude that thinks perhaps that "I'm superior," perhaps that "I'm smarter, I have better insights--you're wasting your time."  To be self-centered, unteachable, to be insensitive, judgmental or pre-occupied--those are all things that are internal noise that'll really prevent you from having a meeting of the souls.  I learned about internal noise in our first year of marriage, which as some of you know, as I've told in various other settings, a pretty rocky time.  Oh we never thought about splitting up, but I honestly thought, "Oh man, it's going to be a long life!"  But the turning point in the relationship that Sonya and I share today was one day as we were driving to meet my parents, she started to cry, so I have to come up with a solution.  You know, you can't take your new bride to your in-laws house with her crying, it's not a good thing.  And so I pulled the car over and I began to probe and ask her questions, trying to come up with a solution, and she was just trying to share her soul.  And finally she just made this statement.  "I don't want to be one of your projects."  It really stunned me, because what I had been doing unknowingly was treating her like a project--a problem to solve--to create a Proverbs 31 lady.  After all, I'm the head of the house.  After all, I'm the spiritual leader."  I didn't understand the concepts of Ephesians 5 and mutual submission, of being willing to lay down your life for the other person.  It was a project.  I'm so grateful that she shared her heart with me because that was the turning point, and it eliminated the internal noise in Dave Moore's head, that I'm gonna fix this lady.  God does a whole lot better job than you'll ever do, gentlemen.  And likewise ladies, God will do a whole lot better job than you'll ever do.  And so we'll be a long ways down the road to having love for a lifetime when we eliminate the silence, we eliminate the noise, and we learn to love each other and communicate, because the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its' fruit...

          ...Christian, with your heads bowed I want to read you a verse.  It says "The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue to know the word that sustains the weary."  Do you know, ladies and gentlemen, that God can give you the ability to communicate, to give you the words that will sustain your relationships.  All you have to do is ask.  And so while you're seated here this morning, why don't you say, "Lord, help me to have an instructed tongue, to sustain and nurture my love relationships."



Chapter Outline:

"He Said, She Said" part 1


A.              Just Say It: "The happiest couples are those that talk to each other the most."  "You can rank your level of happiness and your lifetime love by how much time you spend talking to each other."

B.              To effectively communicate with each other you must be aware of the different mental "filters" we have as men and women.  And men and women are VERY different in the ways that they communicate.  In fact, we're almost from different worlds in terms of the way we communicate.  So I think what happens is that we miss one another and give up trying and so we become silent.  And so what I want to do this morning, I want to show you the differences between how men and women communicate.

C.              The differences between men and women and their communication:


1.      Little girls are verbal oriented, boys are noise oriented.

a.    girls are 100 percent verbal

b.    boys are 40 percent verbal and 60 percent noise


2.      Little girls are people oriented, boys are thing oriented.


3.      Women on average speak 15,000 words a day, men speak on average 9,000 words a day.


4.      Men are bottom line oriented.  Women are detail oriented.

a.    men focus down on a topic.

b.    Women expand on a topic.


5.      Men communicate to find solutions, solve a problem.  Women communicate to share their souls, share themselves.


6.      Men draw inside themselves to come to a conclusion.  Women express themselves out loud to come to a conclusion.


7.      Eliminate the noise in your relationship.


a.    external noise--the T.V., whatever distracts you from her whenever she wants to communicate with you.

b.    Internal noise--attitudes of being unteachable, superiority, pride.


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