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[This
is a transcript of the second sermon in a series of sermons given by
"He
Said, She Said…"
Today
we look at the second problem found in marriage, and that is communication. Ladies
Home Journal surveyed 30,000 of their readers and asked them to rank
the problems that they face in their marriages. The # 1 problem was money and money associated
problems. But #2 was poor
communication. It seems
that all across this country, although we are probably the most over-communicated
society in history, we certainly don't have any better understanding
of one another in interpersonal communication, than they did 100 years
ago. And sometimes when you live with someone
for many many years, your husband or your wife, rather than communication
growing better and better and better, you give up trying and you just
grow silent and become roommates. And
I don't think that's what God intended. That's
not the oneness that he talked about.
There
was an elderly couple out in the country sitting on their front porch
rocking in that chair and listening to the serenade of the crickets. You
know, out in the country, the crickets can be really very very loud. And so they were there rocking with the
sound of the crickets. There
was one other sound, though. Just
down the road was a little country church. The
choir was practicing for Sunday. And
so the choir was singing accompanied by the crickets, and the husband
was listening to the crickets and the wife was obviously listening
to the choir. And so when the choir finally came to
a conclusion with a rip roaring finish, the woman just sat back, captivated
by that singing. She said, "Isn't
that a beautiful sound?!" "Sure
is, Dear, and I understand they do that by rubbing their legs together." Even after dozens of years of marriage,
those two just missed one another!--coming from entirely different
perspectives. And that often happens. Communication can be a real problem. Sometimes there is no evidence whatsoever
that the brain is connected to the tongue. Have
you ever noticed that? Have
you ever said something you haven't thought of yet? We all do, say things that we just didn't
think through. I was walking
through the rough, playing golf about a year ago, of course, looking
for the golf ball which is what I do most of the time when I'm playing
golf. A guy pulled up on
his cart, one of the four-somes that was with us, and says, "What's
the matter? Lose your ball?" "Ah, no, I'm lookin' for snakes." What
else I'm I going to be walking around out there for? It's
amazing what comes out of our mouths that we just didn't think through
how they were going to be said. And
then we get our words mixed up and we say things that we really didn't
mean, like the golf announcer who was announcing about what was going
on with the golf. He said, "Arnie Palmer is getting
ready to putt. Arnie, a
great putter, seems to be having trouble with his long putt, however
he has no trouble dropping his shorts." Now,
I don't think that's what the guy meant to say, but you see, language is a real problem. And it can complicate things. And we say things we really haven't thought
of yet [or about yet].
Not
long ago I came across a list of statements that had been turned into
social services. Somebody had extracted these from the
letters and requests for financial help and so forth. I
got a kick out of them. They
illustrate the problematic nature of communication so well. One lady wrote, she said, "I want
my money as quickly as I can get it. I've
been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me
any good. If things don't improve I'll have to send
for another doctor." Another
lady wrote, "In accordance with your instructions I have given
birth to twins in the enclosed envelope." Somebody
else said, "Why do you say I appear to be oblivious when the form
clearly says I'm a Baptist?" Another
wrote trying to help Mrs. Jones, said, "Mrs. Jones has not had
any clothing for a year, and as a result is being visited regularly
by members of the clergy." And
this one's pretty racy. It
says, "I am very much annoyed that you have illiterate. It's
a dirty lie, I was married a week before he was born."
Language
is a real problem. It is
difficult to communicate with one another. It's
difficult to say what you mean. Now
it’s further complicated because listening is such a problem. U.C.L.A.'s Communication Department studied
people's listening skills and came to this conclusion. You only hear half of what's said. You only understand half of that. You only believe half of that. That's 6.2 percent! Is it any wonder that we have problems
in our relationships? We're
only catching 6.2 percent anyway. And
if the person said something that [he or she] hasn't thought [about],
you're catching 6.2 percent of something they haven't thought of before
they said it--it’s just like you miss, pass one another. U.S.A. Today surveyed its' readers about
the important things in relationships, and this is what U.S.A. Today
said:
"At least 85 percent of our respondents said the most important
quality to keep this thing going is communication--the ability of two
people to talk to each other on a real gut level." Researcher
Terry Schultz said this, "Although many women chose their partners
based upon sex appeal, research shows, if they had it to do again,
they said the ability to communicate is much more important. Communication ranked higher than physical
attraction, physical appearance, and even personality. That ought to say something to us, guys. The # 1 trait that she is looking for
in your relationship is somebody who knows how to communicate with
her. Now this isn't really news because king Solomon said the very same thing in the Book of Proverbs,
chapter 18, verse 21. You'll
see that Solomon in his wisdom really nailed this one. He
said, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who
love it will eat of its fruit." The
tongue has the power of life and death. I
want you to know this morning that
the quality of your relationship is conditional upon your ability to
communicate. And I
want you to know that life or death in your relationships and in your
love is riding upon your ability to communicate. And
when Solomon said here that those who love it will eat its fruit, what
he is saying is those who appreciate the priceless value of our words
and our ability to communicate will devour the good things resulting
from good communication or the sour fruit of a dying relationship. And
it is all riding upon our ability to communicate. So
what we're going to be doing this morning and next week, I divided
this message in half so that we won't be here all day, so we'll go
through half of this, this morning and half of this next week. What I would like for us to do, I would
like to see how it is and was that God communicated with us. Because, no doubt,
he's the finest communicator of all time. And
if somehow we can extract some of the principles of communication from
him and his style, then perhaps we can add new life to our love relationships
too.
So the first thing
to notice is Hebrews 1, verse 1. Take
a look at it. It says, "In
the past God spoke to our forefathers, through the prophets at many
times, and in various ways." What
we are being told there is that when God wanted to communicate with
humanity he spoke. He
spoke many times, and in many different ways. I
know it's pretty foundational to communication, but the
thing to write down here, is "Say it." You see, we have to be people who
are willing to say something. Now, the problem in our relationships is
that there is so much silence. We
don't pattern our friendships and relationships after God who spoke
in many and various ways. He
started out by speaking in creation. You
may remember the book of Psalms. It
says, "the heavens are telling the glory of God, day to day they
poureth forth speech." It's
difficult to go into the mountains and see the trees and see the
balance of nature, and the flying of the eagle, and all of that,
and really believe it's all some gigantic explosion accident that
caused all of that incredible detail to come together. See,
God wanted to communicate first of all through creation, but men
didn't get it, women didn't get it. Instead
of worshipping the creator we worshipped the creation. Ancient
people did that, they worshipped the sun,
the moon, the stars, animals. They
worshipped all the wrong stuff. And
of course, then we matured and we grew, and people began to worship
the Creator, and of course now we're in digression and once again
we're worshipping creation, rather than the Creator--it's
all out of balance again. And
so when God couldn't really connect with us through creation, he
then spoke directly. He
spoke to Adam and to Eve and to Noah and Abraham and Lot and Jacob
and Moses and Joshua and Samuel and David and everybody else, it
says in the Old Testament. And then he spoke through his Son, and
today he speaks through his Spirit in your heart. And
he speaks through this book, the Bible. The point is this: God spoke. And
we have to follow that pattern. We've
got to eliminate the silence in our relationships. It's so common. When I used to do marital counseling,
the one thing
I heard most often from the lady in the counseling situation was "He
won't talk to me." And
the # one response of the man was, "She doesn't listen anyway!" And so here are two people with their
arms crossed, digging in their heels, saying, "I'm not gonna
talk!" If you're in that kind of relationship
this morning you've got to know that love is gonna die, if it isn't
already dead. Because
life and death are in the power of the tongue. Dr. Mark Lee said, "Studies in eleven countries show that the happiest
couples are those that talk to each other the most." You can rank your level of happiness and
your lifetime love by how much time you spend talking together. Do you remember what it was like when
you first started courting that lady, gentlemen? Do
you remember that? Remember
how you could call her on the phone and talk for hours--well, at
least listen for hours? But
then something happens, and when you get married that all changes. I
think, you knew you had to communicate
in order to win her heart, and once you say I do, you think "I'm
done." And you're
not, that's only the beginning of a lifetime of love and communication. Do
you know that the average couple today, spends 37 minutes a week
in meaningful private communication? And
that number of minutes slides downward with the number of years of
marriage. How tragic that is, because 37 minutes
is not enough.
And,
more importantly, 6.2 percent of 37 minutes isn't very much. Now one begins to try to play games with
one another and try to read one another's mind. I
am convinced it is absolutely impossible for the husband to read a
wife's mind, even though you think you can. And
it is impossible for her to read your mind, even though she thinks
she can, because we come from such different worlds with such different
filters that it is absolutely impossible--which means we make assumptions,
which means we make mistakes, which means we begin to build our relationships
upon assumptions and mistakes and it’s no wonder then that love
dies. We
must communicate. Without
it, we complicate our marriages. We
complicate our family relationships.
One
of my favorite stories about a lack of communication is the story of
a gal named Aunt Emma, who came to live with a couple. She was really an awful gal. She was a nagging, complaining,
demanding kind of person, always had to have her way. You know that kind. And she lived with this couple for six
years, nearly drove them insane. Finally
she died. They didn't know
whether they should throw a party or have a funeral. [Reminds
me about that movie with Chevy Chase in it and they had an Aunt Edna,
a direct match to this Aunt Emma!] I
mean, they're just glad she's gone. And
so on the way home from the cemetery as they were driving in the car
there was a big sigh of relief from the husband, as he turned to his
wife and he said, "You know honey, if I didn't love you so much,
I don't think I could have put up with your Aunt Emma." And
there was this look of shock and horror on her face as she said,
"MY AUNT EMMA?!? I THOUGHT
SHE WAS YOUR AUNT
EMMA!!!" You see, men
and women, we complicate our lives by failing to communicate!
Now,
I don't believe that we start out intending to be silent. I
think what happens is that we simply tire out of trying to communicate
with that other person who is so very different than we are. And
men and women are VERY different in the ways that they communicate. In
fact, we're almost from different worlds in terms of the way we communicate. So I think what happens is that we miss one another and give up trying and
so we become silent. And
so what I want to do this morning, I want to show you the differences
between how men and women communicate. I'm
gonna just paint some broad strokes of generalities. There
will be varying degrees of application to your life and to your relationship. If
you're a woman who's living in the corporate world, you may have taken
on a little bit more of the male types, but they're not coming natural,
it's something that you've added. And if you're a man who's taken on a little
bit more of the female traits because of being sensitive and so forth,
that happens with time, and that's a good thing. I
think we need each other and God brings us together to balance each
other out. But generally, these are the differences, and this is why we have so
much trouble, and why we give up.
1. Let's
start with the very young, little boys and girls. Little girls are verbally oriented. I mean, they have far greater skills verbally
than little boys. They're
very articulate. They
have the ability to say things, and to communicate that little boys
just don't have. When little boys and little girls get
into arguments, little girls always win because they have better
verbal skills, which is why the little boy turns to the fist, because
he's usually bigger--and so the war of the sexes begins right there
with little boys and little girls. Little girls are verbal oriented, little boys are noise oriented. There's a big difference. We've seen this in our children. We have two girls and one boy in our family,
and we used to go upstairs, and stand in the hallway and listen-in
on the noises that were coming out of our little girls' room. It was really amazing, you know, researchers
hid microphones in children's rooms, and recorded all their noises
during the day and began to catalogue them. And
they found that little girls, 100 percent of little girls noises
are verbal noises, words. And
we found that to be true. As
we'd listen-in, inside perhaps Lindsey's alone, and she has all of
her Barbie dolls out and she'd be talking. "Hi, Barbie--How you doing? What do ya want to do today? Well I don't
know--Yackety Yak, Yak etc.---and on and
on and on, she could carry on a conversation with herself for hours.
And
then you go down the hallway and listen-in on our little boys' room. It's
very different--noises. The same microphones and the same
researchers found that forty
percent of boy's noises are verbal and sixty percent are simply noise! Things like RRRGGG! VRRROOOM! [you know,
you've heard them all. Truck
noises, machine gun noises, jet plane noises, rockets and bombs flying
and going off, construction machinery noises, the list is endless.] All these noises, little boys just have
a wonderful time just making noises with their mouths, you see. And as we'd stand outside of Tyson's door,
you know, maybe he's playing with some of those little action figures,
and he'd be doing his little kungfu thing, with all the noises coming
out and the only time you'd ever hear words would be something like
[Arnold Scharzneggar's] "I'll be back!" That was it, because little girls are
verbally oriented and little boys are noise oriented.
Now
watch. That doesn't change much as we grow up. That's why, ladies, when he comes home
at the end of the day and you say, "How was your day?" He says "Fine" [almost like a
grunt], "fine." Men
still make forty percent more noise than women. And
that's why men like to golf so much. Because
at golf, you're supposed to be quiet when anybody's swinging the club--which
is all the time! And I
get the biggest kick out of men talking about "Yeah, we're goin'
to play a little golf, Yeah a little male bonding, I'm gonna do some
business on the golf course, close a deal, and all that." I've
been out on that golf course. Nobody
talks. They don't. In fact, the only thing they do, they
grunt when they swing, "Ugghh!" And
then sometimes you'll hear "Aughh" and somebody will say, "Nice
shot." "Thank
you." Or, "I think you'll be O.K." or,
"That'll play." "Thank
you." And that's it. And these men think they've communicated. And
they come home thinking "Oh yeah, had a great time on the golf course,
just me and the men, you know." When
they haven't said anything except three or four words after each "Nice
putt---Thank you." Done! Now
I've never played golf with women, it might be different. Gal's,
is it different? Yeah I'm
sure it is. So you see, in
our communication we miss, because the women are more verbal and the
men make noises.
2. And
then there's a second problem that complicates it even further. Little girls are people oriented. If you hand a little girl a piece of paper
and say, "Draw a picture." She'll
draw a picture of her Mommy or she'll draw a picture of people, or
faces or something, or if it's a landscape, the focal point will
still be people. You
hand a piece of paper to a little boy and say, "Draw me a picture." And he'll draw a picture of things, because little girls are people oriented
and little boys are thing oriented. Little boys will draw cars and tanks and
boats and planes and all this kind of stuff, and if there are people,
they're only incidental to the scene, because you've got to have
somebody drive the truck. You
know, that's all, because it's stuff! And
you see, as we grow older that doesn't change either, because men
are still thing oriented, aren't they ladies? Sure
they are. You've heard
the old saying, and it's absolutely true, the only difference between
men and boys is the price of their toys. You've
got it. That's right. And you women get such a bum rap about
being such impulsive spenders, because you're impulsive when you
go buy a new purse. And
yet it's not uncommon at all for him to come home with a new airplane or boat. "Here, come on, see the new yacht
I just bought. It's parked
out on the front yard." That's
because men are influenced, and thinking about and focussed upon things. So that complicates
our relationships because women are verbally oriented, men are noise
oriented, women are people oriented and men are thing oriented--
3.--and then it's complicated even further by
that fact that women have more words to use every day than men do. Women speak on an average, 15,000 words
a day. Men on an average
speak 9,000 words a day. That
means if you've both been at work, and you come home--she still has
6,000 words to go! And these words must be used! [Laughter] Some
theologians say that God created Adam first so he'd get a chance
to speak. Can you believe that? One guy said, "My wife always gets
in the last word." The
other guy said,
"You're lucky, mine never gets to it." And that's simply because women have more
words to speak than men do. It's
perfectly natural, so just enjoy it.
4. And then it's complicated even further
by the fact that men are bottom-line
oriented, whereas women are detail
oriented. When women speak they tend to expand on a topic. When men speak they tend to focus and narrow down the topic. So
again you have people that are very very different. That's why she can talk on the phone for
an hour. And that's why
men, when you get on the phone, your conversations last, what?--30
seconds? "Yup, see ya tomorrow. Thanks. By." Hang
up. The toughest question
Sonya ever asks me is when I come home and she says, "What did
you do today?" "Aaahh" you know,
I'm good for the last 12 minutes. I
can remember what I did for the last 12 minutes, and beyond that,
it's like ancient history. And
she'll say, "What did you do today?" And
I struggle. "It's a tough question, I honestly
don't remember. Let me
get my day-timer and I'll figure out what I did today." That's
why I do a whole lot better when she asks me a simpler question,
which is, "How was your day?" See
I like that, because I can give a one-word answer, "Fine."
"Lousy." But
it's a real simple thing. Now,
on the other hand, if you gentlemen ask her, "What did you
do today?" Pull up a chair, because she's detail oriented and I'm telling you, you're
going to get a blow by blow description. It's
amazing, one day I asked Sonya and our girls who'd come home from
shopping, "Hey, where'd you go and what did you do?" Can you imagine three women, each with
15,000 words to expend?! What
it was like as this trio of women begin to explain, "Oh we
went here, and we went here, and you should have seen..." and
I am drowning in these words, and I'm only thinking, bottom
line. The bottom line, men, is "How much
did you spend?" Because
women are detail oriented and men are bottom line oriented. I want to read you a little letter that
my son got from his pen pal. This
really illustrates this well. The
pen pal's this little gal, lives here in the desert some place. I think they go to our church now. But she wrote to Tyson, "Dear Tyson,
How are you? Are you
new to Palm Desert or have you lived in Palm Desert for a long
time? I moved here
two years ago. I am
9 years old and four feet tall. I
am small for a fourth grader. My
Dad works for ABC, that stands for Alcoholic
Beverage Control. Where
does your Dad work? My Dad's name is David. What is your Dad's name? My Mom works at Indio Middle School, where does you Mom work? My
Mom's name is Peggy. What
is your Mom's name? I
have one sister. She can be a pain in the neck sometimes. Do you have a sister or brother? My sister's in the sixth grade. Her name is Christina. If you have a sister or brother, what
are their names? I
have two pets. There's my cat Marmalade. She is a nice cat. Then there is my Buddy. He is a bird. He
is a parakeet. My hobby
in school is art. What are your hobbies? My
favorite sport is soccer. I
love soccer. It is
fun. What is your favorite sport?
Your
pen pal,
Dana"
And
there is a P.S. "Do
you have any pets?" I
sat there with Tyson, who was 9 years old at the time, and we read
through this. And he looked at me with this bewildered
look that said, "GEEEZ Dad!!!" And
his letter back was barely five sentences, you know. But you see, that's
because men are bottom line oriented and
women are detail oriented. So when you start to see the problems
here, it becomes very obvious, doesn't it?-- verbal
oriented verses noise, people oriented verses things, more words, less
words, bottom line, detail.
5. And
even further complicating this is that men and women communicate
for different reasons. Let
me show you how this works. Men communicate to find solutions. That is our primary motivation. That is our primary motivation for speech--find
a solution. And that's
why when she begins to share a problem, the first thing you do, gentlemen,
is you think of a solution. As
you're listening to her share, you're trying to figure out how to
fix this--how to take care of this. And
that frustrates her, because she's not looking for answers. She
only wants you to listen. And
I've been amazed in the past year since I've known this, that when
Sonya begins to share her frustrations with me about, "Work
is going this way," or
"The radio ministry is doing this..." or "Our kids are
doing this," and she begins to share her heart, I immediately
go into my Mr.
Fix-it mode, and I'm thinking "O.K., I've got to solve
this problem." I'm
thinking solutions, she's thinking sharing. You see, men communicate to find solutions, women communicate to share
themselves. Gentlemen,
for them [communication] isn't just for sharing information, it is
for sharing their soul. And
when she speaks she broadens her conversation. She
is sharing her heart with you. She'll
often include unrelated information. It's
amazing how she can jump from one subject to another that has nothing to do with each other. And
of course, this drives you crazy, doesn't it guys? Because you're thinking, "What does
this have to do with that?" And
since you're in your problem solving mode and since she's heaping on
extra information that's unrelated, you find yourself weeding through
all the stuff, trying to get back to the issue, because you're bottom line oriented, when
she's detail oriented. And men, if you begin to think that sharing
of the details is a waste of time, it'll show on your face. And what she's really doing is sharing
her heart, and she'll feel like you don't care, or you don't love her. That's why you've got to listen to all the details, she's
sharing her heart and soul with you. And
what a privilege that is guys. I
mean, think about it, the woman you married, the woman you've committed
your life to, has given you the privilege of looking into her spirit
as she's speaking. That's
why we've got to stop thinking solutions, and start thinking, "I
love this lady."
6a. You
see, men, when talking, men tend to think before they speak. Don't misunderstand me, I
know men say stupid things off the top of their heads. I saw some of you ladies go "WHAT?!!?" Hold on. Generally,
when we communicate, by the time we say something, we have already
thought through a lot of stuff, and we then give you a bottom
line statement. Men's
motto is
"Don't speak until you have something to say" which means,
guys, if you don't talk much, you haven't thought much. But
that's a man's motto. You
see, men tend to sort through their thoughts until they get to the
point they want to make, and then they--BOOM!--make their point. Now this complicates relationships, because
he will, out of nowhere, say, "Mildred, we're movin' to Idaho!" And of course, Mildred is absolutely stunned!--because
they haven't even talked about this. But
see, he's been coming to this conclusion, and he just drops that bombshell. And
generally, ladies, you should know that when a man drops that kind
of bombshell, "I've decided to sell the house." "We're
going to be a missionary in Africa." Just BOOM!--right
off the top of his head, generally what he is doing is he is simply
making a statement, a bottom line statement, and now he's inviting
your feedback. He wants
to know how you feel. What
do you think? Unless he's a very narrow minded nimwhit,
that's what he's typically doing and so, the worst thing you can do,
ladies, is to react--"WHAT!!???!!" "WHAT
ABOUT THE KIDS?!? WHAT
ABOUT THE ----??!" Because you're immediately thinking about what?--details.
6b. Women,
on the other hand, when talking
women tend to think out loud. And this is
very different, guys. So
here we're coming from two very different worlds. You
see, women tend to explain their thoughts and ideas while they are talking. That's
how they come to conclusions. Just
as you draw in to formulate an opinion, they draw out and communicate, to
form an opinion. That's why while they are talking, you
ought not take too seriously what they are saying until they've had
a chance to think through all of it. You
can save yourself a great deal of anxiety. And
that is why they can change subjects in the middle of a sentence. See guys, when you're thinking your
brain goes PHUMP!
PHUMP! PHUMP! --and you're thinking about all different kinds
of things, right? She's
doing the same thing, it's just that she's articulating it out loud while
she's going all over the place [in her mind]. If men don't speak until they have something to say, then women don't
know what to say until they've spoken. That's
how it works. If men
don't speak until they have something to say, then women don't know
what to speak until they've spoken. There's
a lot of truth to that. And
that's not bad. And that's not a put-down. That
is the way she works. And
once again, gentlemen, what a privilege to have her share her heart
and share her feelings, and share how she arrives at her bottom line so you don't have to guess. God
has done a marvelous thing with us as men and women, creating us
very differently. Enabling us to enjoy
someone who is very different than we are. To put a smile on our face when we say
things that just don't come out quite right
and to be able to laugh at our differences as men and women, and
grow together. It's a wonderful thing. We must eliminate silence, and say it. And the last thing, we'll close with this:
Not only do we have to eliminate silence, but we have to eliminate
noise in our relationships. Noise,
internal and external noise are the kinds of things that distract
us from focussing our attention on that other person. Sounds, like the television, gentlemen,
when she comes to speak to you, turn off the T.V. (You
have the all-powerful remote control anyway.) CLICK! And
focus your attention on her. You're
only going to get 6.2 percent anyway, so you had better turn off
the T.V. You better put
down the newspaper, screaming kids in the background, sights that
can be distractive. Sonya
and I dated at least once a week, and we used to go to breakfast
every Friday morning, and we'd go to a place that had a Big Screen
T.V. And even though
the sound wasn't on, we soon learned that we couldn't go there for
breakfast, because the T.V. kept catching our attention--distracting
things, external noise. And
[we must eliminate] internal noise, which is most important. Internal
noise is an attitude, an attitude that thinks perhaps that "I'm
superior,"
perhaps that "I'm smarter, I have better insights--you're wasting
your time." To be
self-centered, unteachable, to be insensitive, judgmental or pre-occupied--those
are all things that are internal noise that'll really prevent you
from having a meeting of the souls. I
learned about internal noise in our first year of marriage, which
as some of you know, as I've told in various
other settings, a pretty rocky time. Oh we never thought about splitting up,
but I honestly thought, "Oh man, it's going to be a long life!" But the turning point in the relationship
that Sonya and I share today was one day as we were driving to meet
my parents, she started to cry, so I have to come up with a
solution. You know, you
can't take your new bride to your in-laws house with her crying, it's
not a good thing. And
so I pulled the car over and I began to probe and ask her questions,
trying to come up with a solution, and she was just trying to share
her soul. And finally she just made this statement. "I
don't want to be one of your projects." It
really stunned me, because what I had been doing unknowingly was
treating her like a project--a problem to solve--to create a Proverbs
31 lady. After
all, I'm the head of the house. After
all, I'm the spiritual leader." I
didn't understand the concepts of Ephesians 5 and mutual submission, of being willing to lay down your life for the
other person. It was
a project. I'm so grateful that she shared her heart
with me because that was the turning point, and it eliminated the
internal noise in Dave Moore's head, that I'm gonna fix this lady. God does a whole lot better job than you'll
ever do, gentlemen. And
likewise ladies, God will do a whole lot better job than you'll ever
do. And so we'll be a long ways down the road
to having love for a lifetime when we eliminate the silence, we eliminate
the noise, and we learn to love each other and communicate, because
the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it
will eat its' fruit...
...Christian,
with your heads bowed I want to read you a verse. It
says
"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue to know the
word that sustains the weary." Do
you know, ladies and gentlemen, that God can give you the ability to
communicate, to give you the words that will sustain your relationships. All you have to do is ask. And so while you're seated here this morning,
why don't you say, "Lord, help me to have an instructed tongue,
to sustain and nurture my love relationships."
end
Chapter Outline:
"He Said, She Said"
part 1
A.
Just Say It: "The happiest
couples are those that talk to each other the most." "You can rank your level of happiness
and your lifetime love by how much time you spend talking to each other."
B.
To effectively communicate with each other you must be aware
of the different mental "filters" we have as men and women. And
men and women are VERY different in the ways that they communicate. In
fact, we're almost from different worlds in terms of the way we communicate. So I think what happens is that we miss one another and give up trying and
so we become silent. And
so what I want to do this morning, I want to show you the differences between
how men and women communicate.
C.
The differences between men and women and their communication:
1.
Little girls are verbal
oriented, boys are noise oriented.
a.
girls are 100 percent
verbal
b.
boys are 40 percent
verbal and 60 percent noise
2.
Little girls are people oriented, boys are thing oriented.
3.
Women on average speak
15,000 words a day, men speak on average 9,000
words a day.
4.
Men are bottom line oriented. Women are detail
oriented.
a.
men focus
down on a topic.
b.
Women expand on a topic.
5.
Men communicate to
find solutions, solve a problem. Women
communicate to share their souls,
share themselves.
6.
Men draw inside themselves to come to a conclusion. Women express themselves out loud to come to a conclusion.
7.
Eliminate the noise
in your relationship.
a.
external noise--the T.V., whatever distracts
you from her whenever she wants to communicate with you.
b.
Internal noise--attitudes
of being unteachable, superiority, pride.
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For a new Dave Moore "Love For A Lifetime" resource, click here.